Deconstruction of me

In this life, there are many different things that are important to people; love, power, money and respect. It’s a matter of finding yourself and seeing what it is that you desire and is important to you.

Most importantly, at the end of the day and your life, you need to be able to look at yourself, your life and be satisfied that you achieved this goal. Overall, I think the one goal that many people have in common is Love. Not just being in love but also having the feeling of being loved. These are two completely different entities and are equally important.

Love is a scary and beautiful emotion. Both ends of the spectrum are incorporated when one is in love; a synergistic explosion occurs or at least for myself. It is a wonderful feeling to feel such a strong emotion for one person and even more so if it is reciprocated. Unfortunately, it is terrifying not knowing so many of the journeys that this love can take you and if it will end. Why does this person love me? Will they realize one day I have faults? Am I making the right choice letting myself go with this person? What if they see me for who I am and leave me? How come they chose me out of everyone in this world? What is so great about me? What if they meet someone better than me? These are all things that run through people’s heads or at least mine.

I get scared, terrified of letting myself be taken with someone. It is much easier for me at least to close myself up, enjoy my friends and family than allow myself to be hurt and vulnerable. Love is truly a gamble; a chance to win big or lose.

Of course, I sound as if I have a low self-esteem. But really, I see myself as a beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, independent, empathic and charismatic young woman that draws people to her and can light up a room. I have the ability to do whatever I want in life and be successful at it with ease. I am popular and loved in all apsects in my life. In new situations, I have an immediate friend. I am not saying that I am perfect, everyone is a work in progress. But I am different than others, I know that I have a one of a kind personality and I am thankful for it.

So even knowing all of this and what my worth is to others, I still can not wrap it around my head that someone loves me. And this person, is the same person that I love. Over the course of my life, I have thrown around this “love” term. In the past, I felt I was in love and loved that person. Looking back, it was not the same feeling, this love (current) supersedes it entirely. The former was a watered down version or maybe I thought/said it because they did and it was a natural reply or I modeled what I saw on TV. Who knows, all that I am aware of, is that this time I feel different and this person has me thinking of things I have never thought about in my life. Of course, I am attracted to his physical nature but it is also his human nature. His ability to make me laugh when I am upset, love me for just being me (including my faults), always look out for me, be there when I need him and just be my best friend. The further in this relationship I dive, the more scared I become, I have never swam so far out to sea of love without my life jacket of defenses. Not only is he the only person that has the ability to tear down these walls that has taken years and decades to construct. But he also did the unimaginable, he turned on my heart to love. And last but not least, he makes me feel safe. This is something that I have never felt with anyone nor pretend that I felt that way. I am excited to see where this journey takes me.

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