“It’s not you… it’s me”

its-not-u-its-me

The new movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, got me thinking and reflecting on relationships and communication. What have I done that I regret and wish I could do over? And this infamous line came to me instantaneously…

“It’s not you… it’s me”

One of the most well known lines out there in the world. I wonder who was the genius to come up with it.  It is the ultimate cliche and sadly, I have used it several times when they deserved a real answer . This line, is the mother of all lines. It is used in movies, books, basically anywhere and everywhere. Worst of all, when you are a victim of the line, immediately you know that it is a poor excuse and that there are other things going on that you are not privy to know or will ever find out. Of course, there are times when it is true but I going to divulge on the times when it is used due to not wanting to hurt the person’s feelings. There are times in our lives, when we are going through things and are not ready to be in a relationship.

I know why I used it. I was too much of a coward to tell l the person, “hey I am just not into you anymore” or “you really annoy me”. Instead, I used a cliche line that left someone feeling lousy about themselves and nothing to help get over what just happened, getting dumped. I am sure that if I said in some cases, “your breath smells all the time like stale milk”, ” you call too many times in one day”, or “your pants are so tapered you look like a cheese wedge”, then maybe things would be different.

I am not sure why we think that we can use this line and that this will help the person feel better or soften the blow. I think it makes us feel better, we do not need to deal with the reaction of the other person, instead we think we are letting them off “easy”. Really, I mean really, think about it, does using this line soften the blow? Wouldn’t you rather know the truth? Doesn’t the truth set you free?

As I have gotten older and possibly a tad wiser, I have become more direct in the way I communicate with people. Gone are the days where I would just throw a line at someone and  hope that they took the bait. Most people do not like to confront and therefore do not expect it. Personally, I have grown to just be open and honest in my relationships, even if it gets “sticky”. I am a firm believer that if you do not like the way someone is treating you, you should let the person know so that they may be aware of their actions and grow. If you allow someone to treat you in a way that you do not like and do not say a thing, you are silently telling them it’s OK . When you do not point out what is wrong, you are leaving someone in the dark without a flashlight to help themselves get out. This person can not reflect on how they are affecting others. People need to know if they have things to work on, I know I like to know if I have areas to improve. Don’t you? That is how I look at it, we are all here to make improvements on ourselves. When we inform others of how we truly feel about them, it helps them on their journey in life, they can take the information you gave them and do what they like with it.

So, when you say “It’s not you… it’s me”, you are not really letting them down easy, you are really stunting their just personal growth.

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6 responses to ““It’s not you… it’s me”

  1. I remember growing up in high school and such and hearing that line every time. What the hell was I supposed to do with that? How do you expect me to really think that it was “you” and not “me?” Fortunately, after hearing it enough, I realized that it was “me” and decided to work on myself. But not everyone has that luxury.

    You’re definitely right about how a statement like that can impede someone’s growth. Think about it. I couldn’t imagine being in school, waiting for my designs to be critiqued in class and hearing, “hmm…you know what? It’s not you…it’s me,” from my professor.

    It’s important that we help each other get better as people. One of the many ways we can do that is too allow ourselves to critique and just as importantly, be critiqued.

  2. Great post. Going through a tough breakup recently, I kept thinking to myself, every time the anguish of what I was choosing to do got bad, put the blame on yourself so you let her down easy. But I didn’t. I didn’t pad the truth and I didn’t use the infamous line. I figure silence or honesty was the best way to go. Did it hurt? Yeah, definitely, but I knew that would happen.

  3. Well said. If a relationship is made up of two people, then each one plays a part in what’s going on. Taking all the responsibility onto yourself is actually taking all the responsibility (and power) AWAY FROM the other person.

  4. Yeah communicating directly instead of indirectly is something that a lot of people/especially me need to work on. Relationships are more complicated than a rubix cube sometimes.

  5. I always say “It’s not you, it’s me not liking you”. It just feels more honest.

  6. Whoa…this is a great post, but somehow, creepy as well–as if you’ve been reading my mind. I just had this conversation not too long ago with my boyfriend. The great thing about being honest with your partner, is not so much that you feel good because you’re not guilty of lying, but because if you want it bad enough, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to break up. Sure, your partner may not make you happy as he/she once did; but what about the time when they did? What changed? Would you want that back? Could it be fixed?
    If you’re honest enough to admit where you went wrong and vice versa, you just might be able to have that “second chance” to make it right. If it still doesn’t work, than at least you can say you tried. and that’s nothing to feel guilty about.

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