Category Archives: growing up

Who Knew?

So, like most singleton people whom have not had children, I was apart of “those” people that could not stand the Facebook statuses of friends’ children who talked about “their child finally sleeping through the night” or “going potty for the first time”. I often would comment to other singleton friends about, “who gave a rats ass about the kids? I did not friend the kids did I? Where the hell is my friend’s profile pic?? Why the hell am I looking at the baby???”

Furthermore, I come to realize that I hated to go out with my “mommy friends”, these people ONLY talked about their babies. And would look around me searching for other mommies to further talk about the naps and car seats. I hated it. Sometimes, I would get an apology or they would just continue to talk about things I knew nothing about while showing me pics on their phone of their babes.

It seemed as if when they had their babies, these friends would morph into another person, something I could never understand.

Then…. it happened! I had my son, and I got it. My whole life shifted and enveloped into naps, patty-cake and Elmo’s World. No longer was I closing the bar and making late night pizza orders.

One day I was uploading all my pics that I had just taken of my son, thinking about who would “like” the latest of my treasures and coming up with some witty titles to said pic, when I realized, I have become “that person!” I searched through my past updates and realized as I read things such as… “can’t  wait till I can sleep through the night”, “just had a pooplosion, ewww”, “someone is 6 months old!” that I had indeed become “that person”.

I have now entered “the club”, this club is for the cool cats, is very exclusive and it feels good.

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Gotta have the bad to get the good

Lately I have been over thinking. What I mean to say is, that I have really been thinking about what is the point of when something bad happens. I truly believe that everything in life must balance out. If you think back to when something in your life happened that was bad, awful or really just shook you to your core. Ask yourself, did something good come out of it? Usually you will notice that some good did come out of it. Fair enough, simple and cliche.

If we all went through life unhurt and unscathed, would we appreciate it or would we just be walking unfeeling zombies. If you never experienced hurt, then how would you know what happiness felt like? If you never experienced utter joy, then how would you know sadness? You would have nothing to compare or contrast in your system, nothing to gauge or help to evaluate where you are in life.  These experiences that we go through are our life reminders of what either we will not tolerate or how good one might have it now. It is a personal benchmark of where we have come from and what we have gone through, these experiences helped to shape us.

What sparked this thought? During my commute on the bus in the morning, I gather my thoughts and prepare for that day. I reflect on which kids might have a problem and think about their lives. These kids have a really hard life, much harder than most of us that are reading this blog post. It saddens me and I catch myself wondering, why they were chosen for this path. I then remind myself that my job is to help guide them down the right path in life, supporting them through these tumultuous times. One day, their balance will be restored, they are on the way to a much better place.

I think back to life experiences that I had in my life, when I was hurt and it makes me that much happier and satisfied with where I am today. If you never had that bad relationship or job, would you appreciate the one you are in right now? I wonder, if I never had that, would I be as grateful? Would you?

Age of Deflection

ctIt seems to me that currently we are living in an Age of Deflection. Meaning instead of  reflecting on our lives, we deflect and focus on the lives of others. Sometimes it’s easier to pick apart others than to focus on what you need to work on. A lot of people find satisfaction in seeing someone else in a painful place. Think about all the attention that Britney Spears received and all the time and energy that people spent on her. People that did not even know her spent hours researching, reading and writing about her life. Imagine if these people spent that time building stronger relationships in their own life. Or just used that time to reflect on themselves and the goals that they want to acheive.  Furthermore, just as in grade school, some people pick on others that are  weaker than themselves to make themselves feel or look better. 

If you look around you, notice how instead of talking about what matters to us,  people are engrossed with pop idols and discussing their issues. I find it extremely hard to find a good sitcom to watch on the televison that is not reality related.  It is hard to imagine that ten years ago, these reality shows did not exist. Sitcoms have a moral lesson in each episode to teach the viewer many things through role modeling. For example, how to do the right thing and what could happen if you don’t. Think of all the sitcoms you watched growing up, who did you look up to? Do you remember the lessons that you got from “The Facts of Life”, “Cosby Show” or “Family Matters”. The messages relayed was  to listen to your elders, respect yourself, etc.  What are the lessons that are being taught to our youth from these reality shows? The lessons I see are: To do whatever it takes to win, including steal, use your sexuality, lie and cheat. How are these helping to build a strong moral code? The message of respecting yourself, others and having a good character seems to be a thing of the past.

The act of viewing these reality shows is comparable to watching the gladiators in their arena. We basically sit and watch people self destruct, turn on each other and make fools of themselves for our entertainment. It is easier for us to tune in to these shows and tune out of our own lives.

Feelings…. why such an issue?

I find it so fascinating that feelings are such a hard topic. The ability to tell people how you feel. It seems like some people just fantasize that everyone is a walking mind reader.

What sets humans a part from other species (besides the opposable thumb) is the ability to talk and communicate. Now, I know that every life form does in fact communicate with each other but humans are born with a function in their brain to understand language and talk. That is to say, that when you are born you are destined to be able to communicate and learn a language, whether you are taught or you model your surroundings. It is fascinating. It is one of  our survival instincts, a way to ensure that we will be able to come into this world and not be lost, thanks to our genetic make up.

Talking is one of the easiest things to do and the hardest. Some people like to talk to just hear themselves and others make you wish you could just hit a mute button. But some people refuse to talk about their feelings. It is as if they talk about it and let the words escape their heart, they will be lost for ever and no longer controlled by the owner. The owner, never seeing that these words of their feelings can build up and be used to help create a strong foundation for the relationship. The more words, the stronger the foundation. Likewise, less words equates to a weaker foundation and we all know… you can’t build anything on a cracked foundation.

Can’t I have my coffee first?

“Why? Why don’t I have a normal life or normal family? Where we make chocolate chip cookies? And no one fights? How come my family is all alcoholics and druggies with issues?”

This was the question that was asked of me by my student first thing in the morning. He was starting off his day with a mega meltdown. I had not even touched my coffee nor did I have the answer to his rhetorical question. I took a deep breath, folded my arms on the table and placed my head on them. All I could do was just stare at him as he vented about his dysfunctional family . How many times has that crossed my head, that was all that I thought. How come I had to be deprived of a childhood, be riddled with divorce, abuse and neglect. I pushed my issues aside, picked up my head and told him the only answer that I had for myself.

“Because, one day someone is going to ask you the same question you just asked me, and you will be able to look them in the eye and say “I know, it sucks but you were put on this path so that you can understand and help the people that have a harder road ahead of them. People will be able to trust you because they will see in your eyes, that you are OK now and that have been there yourself”.

After I said that, he looked at me for a moment and than nodded in an understanding manner. He plans on being a counselor one day. Now if I could only end every meltdown before first period.

Deconstruction of me

In this life, there are many different things that are important to people; love, power, money and respect. It’s a matter of finding yourself and seeing what it is that you desire and is important to you.

Most importantly, at the end of the day and your life, you need to be able to look at yourself, your life and be satisfied that you achieved this goal. Overall, I think the one goal that many people have in common is Love. Not just being in love but also having the feeling of being loved. These are two completely different entities and are equally important.

Love is a scary and beautiful emotion. Both ends of the spectrum are incorporated when one is in love; a synergistic explosion occurs or at least for myself. It is a wonderful feeling to feel such a strong emotion for one person and even more so if it is reciprocated. Unfortunately, it is terrifying not knowing so many of the journeys that this love can take you and if it will end. Why does this person love me? Will they realize one day I have faults? Am I making the right choice letting myself go with this person? What if they see me for who I am and leave me? How come they chose me out of everyone in this world? What is so great about me? What if they meet someone better than me? These are all things that run through people’s heads or at least mine.

I get scared, terrified of letting myself be taken with someone. It is much easier for me at least to close myself up, enjoy my friends and family than allow myself to be hurt and vulnerable. Love is truly a gamble; a chance to win big or lose.

Of course, I sound as if I have a low self-esteem. But really, I see myself as a beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, independent, empathic and charismatic young woman that draws people to her and can light up a room. I have the ability to do whatever I want in life and be successful at it with ease. I am popular and loved in all apsects in my life. In new situations, I have an immediate friend. I am not saying that I am perfect, everyone is a work in progress. But I am different than others, I know that I have a one of a kind personality and I am thankful for it.

So even knowing all of this and what my worth is to others, I still can not wrap it around my head that someone loves me. And this person, is the same person that I love. Over the course of my life, I have thrown around this “love” term. In the past, I felt I was in love and loved that person. Looking back, it was not the same feeling, this love (current) supersedes it entirely. The former was a watered down version or maybe I thought/said it because they did and it was a natural reply or I modeled what I saw on TV. Who knows, all that I am aware of, is that this time I feel different and this person has me thinking of things I have never thought about in my life. Of course, I am attracted to his physical nature but it is also his human nature. His ability to make me laugh when I am upset, love me for just being me (including my faults), always look out for me, be there when I need him and just be my best friend. The further in this relationship I dive, the more scared I become, I have never swam so far out to sea of love without my life jacket of defenses. Not only is he the only person that has the ability to tear down these walls that has taken years and decades to construct. But he also did the unimaginable, he turned on my heart to love. And last but not least, he makes me feel safe. This is something that I have never felt with anyone nor pretend that I felt that way. I am excited to see where this journey takes me.